Idol Shepherd

There's many who'll tell you they'll give you their love,
and when they say "give" they mean "take". They'll
hang around just like vultures 'till push comes to shove;
they'll take flight when the earth starts to shake.
I've been walking through the the annals of my mind, and I heard quite a few reoccurring conversations over the past months. They went something like this, Q"Remember that guy Erik Downes who was banned from the App Store for "security reasons" for publishing apps on his blog?" A "Yeah. He surely must be dead; he hasn't blogged in months! Maybe he just has given up and has nothing more of reality to quantify and derive." Let me assure you, I've got quite a bit to say, but as usual, finding the time and means to transmit these approximations has been quite the tiffy. I apologize, but viewers, I've got my voice back.

I began this blog with a quote. I'm not going to explain it. I also began with a large picture of Steve Jobs. I'm not going to comment on that either. Why- because they're not important? Maybe. Because I've got something more important to say? Possibly. Here we go! Take a look below at Natalie Portman's sweet, luscious, caboose. That's what I'm going to blog about.


New viewers, you may not be surprised by my previous statement, but my veterans are, and they should be. I'm not going to center this blog around her rear end but, rather, the reason why she's bent. I quite enjoy being a human being- the highest life form on this side of the crust. I've got thumbs which I can oppose, and a brain with which I can think. . . or not. It's great. Why waste time considering what other animal you'd be, viewers? We're the best. Quite frankly, all other animals wish they were us. True fact.

Amidst the endless glories of humanity, one qripe of mine came to mind as I pensively sat on the patch of grass, fit for humans, akin to the one the dog squatting on- my toilet. TOILET PAPER. Of all of the creationary/evolutionary benefits humanity now has, how is it that we still have to use toilet paper and lower life forms. . . . don't? IDK about you, viewers, but I think something's wrong here. Some animals, like the dog above, have it so good, that someone else'll bend over and pick up the scraps for them. The hard fact about reality is, the only means of help you get for this evolutionary slip up is monthly expenditures for toilet paper which conveniently seems to run out when it's needed the most. Need I say more? I won't.

Contrary to popular belief, a handshake is a contact sport. Without sight or sound, I firmly believe that people would be fully capable of discerning one's character with touch and the most expedient means of doing so in a non-invasive manner is the handshake. Fortunately, for most of us, sight, smell, and sound all affirm or redress our perceptions of a newcomer based on their shake.

Handshaking isn't like college classes AT ALL. In college, as I'm sure you've heard, the most important thing is showing up, and maybe you'll learn something while you're there. I dare you to just "show up" to a handshake. Know what'll happen? You'll quickly fall into the category of people whom I'm about to categorize in this blog who offer the social introduction equivalent of "just showing up". A handshake of this nature, thus, will aptly be named- The Dead Fish (for reference- view the above picture).

The most important part of the handshake is the grip. If you're not capable of the grip, then, viewers, please- don't. show. up. If you do show up, then do so with a grip that conveys acceptance, interest, appreciation, and warmth. How does one do that? Practice. Squeeze too hard- you're inconsiderate. Don't squeeze at all- you're giving the dead fish, and you're the object of my textual derision. Congratulations. Squeeze JUST right, and you're in.

For most things in life, there's a window in which one can quickly implement damage control, and avert what, if left alone, could be a disaster. This, too, is true of the handshake. You really don't know what to expect, so the only way to guage one's grip is to jump right in. Once palms are connected, let the other senses do the work. Eye contact and eye brow positions are key. After all, the eye is the window to one's soul and handshake, right? (Cheesy? I know lol) Seriously though, there's a point to this all.

Here's the key: Confidence. A handshake is indeed a contact sport, and just like no singular sport is done with one part, neither is handshaking. Eyes, eyebrows, lips, cheeks, hands- the whole package- they all are means by which physical representations of confidence are perceived by onlookers- regardless of their/your sex. And just like that, viewers, you're now handshaking professionals. It's 2AM in my part of the world. IDK where you all are, but regardless of your geographical parameters, there are people with hands which need to be shaken with finesse and authority. Go out and own, and let me know how it goes!

Have you ever received The Dead Fish? Ever dominated a hand in the shaking process? Ever been so disgusted by someone offering you The Dead Fish that you refused to shake their hand again? Tell me all about it!

Post comments below, and as always, thanks for reading!