Passing the Pencil Test

The human machine is so complex, intricate, and overall unique that modern science can't even explain some of its processes in our day and age. Modern science/technology is amazing though. It can explain and manufacture devices that can pass Earth's atmosphere with enough tangential velocity to exist in orbit; companies even mass produce dehydrated space ice cream. Truly, our society is reaching new feats every day, but we still can't explain something humans have been doing since the beginning of time- thinking.

The human mind has been sensing, integrating, and processing innumerable audible, sensational, visual, chemical, and olfactory inputs daily. Science explains the way in which these senses are taken in and the consequences of these inputs, but I think it's amazing that we really aren't able to explain how I can inaudibly think, "I like corn". We're getting close though with such innovations like mind controlled computers and devices, but that's besides my point. My point is that one human mind is complex. When you add two or more minds into the equation, things get a little dicey. I'm not talking about scientific research whereby two or more brains are placed on a table close to each other for observation. I'm talking about a conversation. If science can't figure out how one person thinks, how are people supposed to try or even succeed at connecting with another individual and perform in a conversation?

Everyone's different. Some people are naturally gifted at speech, but others are socially inept. Regardless of your conversational prowess, I think all viewers can glean something from reading this blog geared towards propagating successful conversational skills in which I'll provide a few helpful tips. Pay attention, viewers. You might learn something.

If you haven't realized it yet, I'm a guy. Let me tell you a little bit about my kind. Male viewers, I hope you back me up here. For us who proudly wield a penis, few things in life are seriously considered. Life is always changing. It doesn't make sense to follow up/focus on something that won't be the same a few moments from now or is fruitless, does it? It doesn't. As such, we meet life with a general sense of apathy. We aren't observant. We're mentally dull. We're unfazed, and we're unimpressed. Most times, we just don't care, and if it were possible, we could care less than that. Fact. Things get tricky for us when we encounter situations requiring observation and attention usually. Both of those factors, observation and attention, coalesce with one conversational disaster- the female.

Females are different. Female viewers, correct me if I'm wrong. Your kind is emotional, involved, observant, and all that is sugar, spice, and everything nice, or so I've heard. Women like to be noticed, too. I'm sure you get my point here.

When you place these two opposing sexes together in the conversational arena, interesting things happen. Usually, the presence of a female engaging a male in conversation sharpens his dull, uninterested, unimpressed mind. From my experiences, most times, this doesn't occur. Guys bring in their, simple, unobservant, run-of-the-mill ideas and attention spans, and we tend to forget things. This results in repetitive questioning and tautologies of the most annoying and confusing sort culminating in what i call "conversational Armageddon". In this situation, the lady feels unappreciated and sad- for good reason. Guys and girls alike, if you've ever found yourself in this situation before, consider this: Conversational Mirroring.

If the other party in conversation moves their head to the left, move your head to the right. To reassure your conversational partner that you're interested and listening, reiterate important points. Also, use hand gestures to engage the conversation. Heck, if you're talking to someone that you're really comfortable with or that you really fancy, include the occasional touch. Yes-it's one of the five senses that you learned about in kindergarten, but it's crucial.

On the flip side- if you're NOT interested in continuing a conversation, body language is KEY. Fold your arms and rock back and forth thus hinting your inattentiveness and overall dissatisfaction with the way the conversation is going. If the person you're talking to is persistent and self absorbed and you have an iPhone, fear not. If you fall into this category, be sure to install the Fake A Call application. This is the time to use it. Initiate that fake call, and answer it as though God Himself is calling collect from the pay phone outside the pearly gates of Heaven.

But what happens if you're an adept conversationalist? You're so good at engaging that you're maintaining eye contact, you're using your arms to gesture, you're body language is receptive and encouraging communication, but then you slip. You say something that you should NOT have said. Let me paint a situation. F= Female. M= Male

F= Does this dress make me look fat?
M= Not this one, but the one you wore last week gave you thunder thighs.
[insert awkward silence coupled with impending wrath here]
If you ever find yourself in a situation like this, you know what this deafening silence before the storm feels like, but there is one phrase you can utter, without diminishing your pride, that will abate the storm- if said within a proper 5 second window. Ready for this phrase? Watch closely.
Just Saying.

Now watch the difference.
F= Does this dress make me look fat?
M= Not this one, but the one you wore last week gave you thunder thighs. . . .just saying.
F= Honey, you're right.

It's fool proof. Those two words combined produce what I call a conversational neutralizer. Anything you say can and will be neutralized when those two words are added at the end of the phrase in question.

Well, viewers, there you have it.
Go forth and exhume great conversational skills.
Make me proud, and post comments below!