Superposition

wafting to see a panoramic screen,
is like a Man, who with his child on knee,
tastes to smell an Incandescent dream,
of the space that fate now feigns to feed. 

a tawny needle, yet enclosed,
in view of purpose Clasped in thread,
seldom is mindful of the renown 
their unity gives those Who wed.

here and now and far between,
as beached upon the Isle of hope,
temps me to test the vagary:
tense and mirth, belied as "nope".

could light and darkness Me supplant,
fate, grant to me present's recant. 

Treadmill Confessions

"The road to being one of the best, I think, can be a very lonely one. And I have been willing to accept that loneliness- at whatever cost, and some people don't understand that. . . but I've been of the presence of mind not to allow that to deter me in any way because I believe this to be the most important pursuit of my life."

I firmly believe that moments of adversity and abject darkness of consciousness test and even purify human resolve. In moments like these, when objects seem so fixed and immovable and situations ship of life seem to capsize, character is built or lessened.

Nothing ever is easy, and few payoffs are immediate. Patience is necessary. I live and long for the payoff that stares back at me from an indeterminate time frame and displacement. Once attained, I know it will be comparatively insignificant when compared to the journey.

I feel most passionate, at present, about the awesome possibility everyone has, but few use, to create for the better- to change something/someone with the an intangible and unquantifiable abstraction, an idea, of a more desirable reality.

The luxury of the synergistic co-laboring in life is wonderful but something I find rare when so few barely considering the possibility of actualizing their own dreams. Resonating is difficult. However disheartening the loss of a close connection may be, self exploration and improvement is paramount. Kaizen- always.

"I'm living my life, too. I'm doing exactly what I want to do. I've found my passion. I've created my true calling in life. I live life on my terms. . . If I work hard at it, I can achieve something that was in my own hands to do."

Birth by Sleep

It all began with birth by sleep
when all was well within their hearts.
Though few took mind into the deep
desires creeping within his arts.

Names now differ and times have changed,
but still the stuggle wages within
the organ's two-fold meaning mazed:
a battleground for fate to win.

A world of darkness graced with few lights
who seek to spread and share good will
are faced with every wicked plight
to achieve life's goods whilst using ill.

Though chasers now do run their course,
"I hear I w's 'nsem" cleansed will endorse.

Idol Shepherd

There's many who'll tell you they'll give you their love,
and when they say "give" they mean "take". They'll
hang around just like vultures 'till push comes to shove;
they'll take flight when the earth starts to shake.
I've been walking through the the annals of my mind, and I heard quite a few reoccurring conversations over the past months. They went something like this, Q"Remember that guy Erik Downes who was banned from the App Store for "security reasons" for publishing apps on his blog?" A "Yeah. He surely must be dead; he hasn't blogged in months! Maybe he just has given up and has nothing more of reality to quantify and derive." Let me assure you, I've got quite a bit to say, but as usual, finding the time and means to transmit these approximations has been quite the tiffy. I apologize, but viewers, I've got my voice back.

I began this blog with a quote. I'm not going to explain it. I also began with a large picture of Steve Jobs. I'm not going to comment on that either. Why- because they're not important? Maybe. Because I've got something more important to say? Possibly. Here we go! Take a look below at Natalie Portman's sweet, luscious, caboose. That's what I'm going to blog about.


New viewers, you may not be surprised by my previous statement, but my veterans are, and they should be. I'm not going to center this blog around her rear end but, rather, the reason why she's bent. I quite enjoy being a human being- the highest life form on this side of the crust. I've got thumbs which I can oppose, and a brain with which I can think. . . or not. It's great. Why waste time considering what other animal you'd be, viewers? We're the best. Quite frankly, all other animals wish they were us. True fact.

Amidst the endless glories of humanity, one qripe of mine came to mind as I pensively sat on the patch of grass, fit for humans, akin to the one the dog squatting on- my toilet. TOILET PAPER. Of all of the creationary/evolutionary benefits humanity now has, how is it that we still have to use toilet paper and lower life forms. . . . don't? IDK about you, viewers, but I think something's wrong here. Some animals, like the dog above, have it so good, that someone else'll bend over and pick up the scraps for them. The hard fact about reality is, the only means of help you get for this evolutionary slip up is monthly expenditures for toilet paper which conveniently seems to run out when it's needed the most. Need I say more? I won't.

Contrary to popular belief, a handshake is a contact sport. Without sight or sound, I firmly believe that people would be fully capable of discerning one's character with touch and the most expedient means of doing so in a non-invasive manner is the handshake. Fortunately, for most of us, sight, smell, and sound all affirm or redress our perceptions of a newcomer based on their shake.

Handshaking isn't like college classes AT ALL. In college, as I'm sure you've heard, the most important thing is showing up, and maybe you'll learn something while you're there. I dare you to just "show up" to a handshake. Know what'll happen? You'll quickly fall into the category of people whom I'm about to categorize in this blog who offer the social introduction equivalent of "just showing up". A handshake of this nature, thus, will aptly be named- The Dead Fish (for reference- view the above picture).

The most important part of the handshake is the grip. If you're not capable of the grip, then, viewers, please- don't. show. up. If you do show up, then do so with a grip that conveys acceptance, interest, appreciation, and warmth. How does one do that? Practice. Squeeze too hard- you're inconsiderate. Don't squeeze at all- you're giving the dead fish, and you're the object of my textual derision. Congratulations. Squeeze JUST right, and you're in.

For most things in life, there's a window in which one can quickly implement damage control, and avert what, if left alone, could be a disaster. This, too, is true of the handshake. You really don't know what to expect, so the only way to guage one's grip is to jump right in. Once palms are connected, let the other senses do the work. Eye contact and eye brow positions are key. After all, the eye is the window to one's soul and handshake, right? (Cheesy? I know lol) Seriously though, there's a point to this all.

Here's the key: Confidence. A handshake is indeed a contact sport, and just like no singular sport is done with one part, neither is handshaking. Eyes, eyebrows, lips, cheeks, hands- the whole package- they all are means by which physical representations of confidence are perceived by onlookers- regardless of their/your sex. And just like that, viewers, you're now handshaking professionals. It's 2AM in my part of the world. IDK where you all are, but regardless of your geographical parameters, there are people with hands which need to be shaken with finesse and authority. Go out and own, and let me know how it goes!

Have you ever received The Dead Fish? Ever dominated a hand in the shaking process? Ever been so disgusted by someone offering you The Dead Fish that you refused to shake their hand again? Tell me all about it!

Post comments below, and as always, thanks for reading!

Plaid To Meet You

Loyal viewers and casual clickers who encountered this blog through StumbleUpon alike, welcome. I've had much to blog about since my last entry, but my schedule never afforded me an oportunity to publish my ideas to cyberspace. Instead, I wrote a few ideas down in a journal, but this entry has been on my mind for many many MANY days. Today, I'll attempt to debunk a very common social phenomenon as I usually do in an effort to derive life on this blue speck on the Milky Way. You know, it's been awhile since I've defined a term, so I'll to so at this time. Today, I'll be talking about what I call The Gravitational Jaw Drop (I'll refer to this as GJD for short throughout the rest of this post).


When I first laid eyes on The Gravitational Jaw Drop, I knew I was onto something big. This first encounter occurred during my senior year of high school in my Calculus class. My teacher, Dominic Sinopoli, would often use a program on the computer called MAPLE to illustrate graphical displays of functions and their respective Calc-related theorems for the class using an overhead projector. Anyway, overtime, I noticed that whenever he'd look at the computer monitor, his eyes would squint, although he wore glasses, and his mouth would, for no apparent reason drop. That's right. He wasn't at the dentist on the receiving end of that dreaded command, "OPEN UP!". Oh no. He was in his habitat- the math room, yet this is where the GJD occurred.

I completely forgot about this phenomenon until about 2 weeks ago when I was in a Pre-Med meeting with the professor of the Biology department. He, too, was trying to use the overhead projector, and whenever he'd look at his laptop screen the GJD scene unfolded as though he was an actor on stage. His eyes squinted as if they unduced an increase in gravity exclusively for his face, and as expected, his mouth dropped until the task was complete and his eyes reverted to normal width- thus returning his facial gravity levels to normal. Viewers, you're probably scratching your heads in disbelief here. I know. I know. Just take a look at the image below.

This is NOT my high school math teacher, but he, too, is exhibiting the Gravitational Jaw Drop. After seeing my Calculus teacher, my Biology professor, and this old man who's apparently very plaid to meet his new computer all display the GJD, I had to write this entry. I began to think about this, viewers, and I concluded that this phenomenon occurs EXCLUSIVELY among males above the age of 50, and I even wagered that this is the exclusively male alternative to the Humingo. (BTW- if you don't get my reference to the Humingo, then you owe it to yourself to read my blog titled "Family Hominidae Meets Family Phoenicopteridae" in June.) Okay, where was I? That's right- Gravitational Jaw Drop only occuring in males. I was convinced that this was the case UNTIL I thought back to my various visits to museums.

Those artsy fartsy folks at museums love to produce artwork meant to stretch human imagination and all sorts of strange non-scientific stuff. On occasion, as opposed to hanging art on the wall, they'll post it from the ceiling. This situation utterly disproves the male exclusiveness of the GJD, for when every museu-spectator views such art- their jaws drop like anesthetized flies and remain in the downward position until their heads return to a normal forward position.

I had to rethink my definition on this term. While I was correct in linking the squinting of the eyes to an increase in gravity thus compelling one's jaw to drop, it seems that the raising of one's head, too, causes an increase in potential downward force thus causing one's mouth to open. I think I've made my point, and I won't beat away at a dead horse anymore. Check out the pics below. People, both young and old, single and married, bald and hairy, and even President Obama, exhibit the Gravitational Jaw Drop!

I knew I was onto something, viewers, and boy do these pictures prove it. What do you think? Am I right about the GJD? When have you noticed this occurrence in life? Or am I completely wrong in my analysis? Post your comments below, and as always, thanks for reading!

Finna Read This Blog

Just Say When

Before I get into the (fecal) matter of this blog {PUN INTENDED} let me just address some business to the iPhone users on my blog. If you do not have an iPhone, then do not read the underlined text below, for to you, it'll be irrelevant:
I used to devote a large portion of this blog advertising a repository of my own iPhone apps that people could download. One of my viewers contacted me recently and informed me that they don't work due to Apple's restriction caused by a lack of authorization in iTunes. For this, I apologize, and I am grateful that Chris shared this feedback with me. Despite this drawback, I will still be on the prowl for new and rising iPhone innovations, and the faithful few who check my blog will be the first to know.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If a promise you don't keep, it will haunt you in your sleep, and as you lay beneath your quilt, you will have a conscience full of guilt" Stu Pickels

Even though the above quotation is from The Rugrats, I think there's a lot of truth in it. Okay- perhaps you won't lose an ounce of sleep over breaking a promise, but it's still a good idea to keep them, y'know? And for that reason, I'm crafting this blog from the most creative convolution of my brain....mmm...it feels like it's coming from the left side at present, and I'm doing so this week just like I said I would. I kept my promise.*

* = The promise above refers to my facebook status where I promised a blog this week. For those of you who are my facebook friends, you know what's going on; for those of you who follow the facebook widget I added at the right of my page, you, too, know. All roads lead to home; in this case home is my facebook status.

Well, although I've managed to keep my promise in composing and publishing a new blog, I've failed on a larger scale at keeping up with my blog. It's been over a month since I've released my thoughts to cyberspace, and a lot has happened. I've partly been unable to blog because I worked at a summer camp in New York this summer which tried to remove campers from technology and modern ammenities. As a result, I slept in a cabin, seldom got to use my cellular, and rarely used my lap top. Now, I'm back on campus, and I'm willing and able to blog. Here goes.

Since my last post, I've been sworn in as Sophomore President of the Class of 2012, and I've completed Precalculus and Calculus I over the summer. I've also survived a summer of counseling a 2 sessions of campers who found it quite amusing to pick on me because I most always wear American Eagle attire. Now that summer's over, I wake up and stare a 20 credit hour semester jam packed with 7 classes in the face every morning. At times it's daunting, and I become mildly overwhelmed, but a few things have helped me cope with this seemingly insuperable course list. Firstly, I'd have to say faith has a lot to do with it. So many professors and friends have advised that I drop classes and not even attempt to juggle this load with extracurriculars and student government. Secondly, my friends who share similar ambitions and life goals keep me on track. If they can do it, I can do it too. Thirdly, the woman in the series of pictures above is quite inspiring. This isn't pure hogwash here, readers. While you may easily relate to my first two reasons, the third one, I feel, needs a bit of explanation, and explain I will!

According to that famous Guinness Book of World Records, a nutrionalist at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor met a woman, whose name escapes both me and cyberspace, who requested a fiber rich diet so as to acquire the world record for the longest poop. After roughly a month long period, she let go her fecal matter accross the wooden floors. It measured a stunning 26 feet in length- roughly the size of human intestines. "How'd she keep it in?", you ask? I'll tell you.

A buttplug.

No joke. Doubt me? You try holding poop in for more than a week. It just peekes out of your bum hole like a turtle's head through a shell- or so I've heard. It's only natural. Here, I'll illustrate it below. Use your imagination.

There you have it, folksies. So, in moments of strife and in the midst of untried academic waters which threaten to obliterate any aspirations I have of attending Medical School, I think of this unsung hero in the realm of fecal matter who risked poisoning herself by keeping waste nestled within the convolutions of her intestine to achieve a world record. If she can keep poop inside for that long, then I certainly can press through this academic year, and so can you. The only question is:

What's your buttplug?

Post your comments below. Let me know what your buttplug is/was/will be to get you through a tough time.

Again, thanks for reading!

A Ticking Time Bomb

Today is July 8, 2009, and I am afraid. I wouldn't really recommend fear to anyone actually, but I think that after reading the blog, my male viewers will experience this psychological phenomena also. While I remain busy in my little world which currently comprises of a messy room, summer classes, and missing friends, the world is hunkers behind their respective one eyed monsters in fear of a nuclear proliferation at the hands of North Korea's leader, who all to often wears a one piece pajama suit and aviator glasses, or some new happening in the recent demise of Michael Jackson. While these fears, comparet to other worries in the dynamic pop culture of our planet are legit, on varying scales, I believe something far more unnerving and worrisome is working behind the scenes. All doom, gloom, and conspiracy theories aside, the male species is at risk whether Kim Jong Il wears his one piece or not.

During my downtime this evening as I meandered through cyberspace, I found an article highlighting yet another technological innovation of our time. On this day, scientists have created the first sperm in a labratory using retinotic acid which is derived from Vitamin A. This discovery SHOULD lessen male infertility and do a bunch of other great things for humanity. Viewers, hold you applause, and put your thinking caps on! Can't you see what's happening?

It's obvious that an overwhelming trend of female independence is present in our world today. With artists like Beyonce and others crafting catchy verses backing this rising ideology and gender roles changing due to economic downturns and poor track records of lazy males who've done sub par work as fathers, workers, and friends, the first lab grown sperm should strike fear in all males who, with nothing else to offer, cling to their sexuality as their last bastion of masculinity. If sperm can be created without men, what are we good for?

It seems like the answer is: Nothing but wars, cars, and wrestling. But even that is changing. Our world is making consided and persistent efforts to break down barriers; this allows everyone can do anything they so desire to do, and believe me, I'm all for it. However, with every gender, as I've attempted to highlight in previous blog entries, certain traits are almost guaranteed to become evident, and this necessarily isn't a bad thing. For example, a world ruled by men who usually are confident, wreckless, and selfish has plunged civilization into a capitalistic mold which is now crumbling due to excessive greed and dishonesty- among other things. For most, in this past election, the presence of a female democratic candidate, excluding all policy and including preconceived gender traits, promised to undo all that wreckless men have done. . .or so I've heard. I mean think about it. Chancellor Merkel is doing an amazing job in Germany and in the EU. Why couldn't Hilary Clinton do the same here? I hope it's obvious that I'm playing the devil's advocate, but I'm sure you see my point.

If this modern innovation serves as the harbinger I think it does, I forsee an extremely detail oriented and organized world where men, collectively, are the minority. In this world, muscle cars will cease to exist and things that "save the environment and reduce CO2 emissions" will abound at the sacrifice of the exhilerating feeling one receives when one slams their foot down on the gas pedal of a high performance sports vehicle. In this world, conversely, one would slam their foot on the H20 pedal or some other that of some alternative automotive energy source. And to top it all off, politics would be more about one's latest fashion attire than about one's unwavering policies and worldviews. This last point can clearly be seen in the media's response to Michelle Obama's fashion sense.

To the this latest modern innovation, viewers, I ask- Why can't things stay just like Kim Jong Il's one piece suit- exactly the same?

Has society been intoxified by Obama's noxious, and quite hypocritical slogan "Change"? Am I the only one concerned about this, or was everyone else too busy mourning the deaths of celebrities than to ponder the future of our ever changing world?

Family Hominidae Meets Family Phoenicopteridae

I'm locked, cocked, and ready to unload, viewers. I've have so many things to blog about lately, but with summer math classes, editing a book, and exercising twice daily on the plate that I call life, I've had no time for free time to do things like blog or sleep in. Nevertheless, I will blog and hope that my dedicated viewers forgive my tardiness mingled with laziness and find this entry of interest.

First of all, let me just say that if you read the title and knew anything more than the reference to hominids, you're a normal human being. Secondly, let me say that if you're reading this blog and you saw the word "Phoenicopteridae" and you thought, "Oh yeah! Flamingoes!", you're sick. Third of all, if you understood thoughts two and three and think that I'm going to babble on and on about some scientific link between humans and flamingoes, you're dead wrong- almost.

Of all of my viewers, few people have inquired of the contrasting name of my blog. "Derive Life." It's a command, yes, but carefully placed before that "D" is the integrand sign. For those of you that get the obvious references to calculus, you must be wondering, "How does this make sense?" The truth is, it doesn't, but then again, life seldom does. And that is exacly the aim of this blog- to explore the inconsistencies of life in an effort to decipher its often lost meaning. That's a bold aim, huh? Well, bear it in mind as you read this blog, and hopefully things will make sense. . . .or at least not seem too weird.

Flamingoes are cool. Their colors are dependent on what they eat most, they often stay in groups but maintain their "bubble" distance, and one of its species is named after some guy named James. I told you they were cool birds. If you look at the picture though, you'll notice one thing in common besides the fact that they're all pink and flamingoes. They're standing on one leg. While there is no scientifically/biologically determind reason why they do this, it's argued that flamingoes stand on one leg to conserve body heat. Why they'd need to do this, I know not. Maybe they just don't want one leg wet, or maybe they're just comfortable on one leg. That, my friends, will remain a mystery, but a second mystery exists.

HUMANS DOING THE FLAMINGO TOO!

Think about it. Swish the above phrase around in your mind's bowl. Let it all soak in. Yes. That's no typo. I'm sure you've seen it before, male viewers, and female viewers, I'm sure you've subconsciously let your inner flamingo go from time to time. As I usually do in exploring social phenomenon, I'm going to name this occurrence. I call it:

The Humingo-the action, usually subconsciously done by women, charactized by the raising of one leg for reasons unknown to the male brain. This action, while it may convey a particular emotion in females, creates confusion and perplexity in the male brain to the point that we often ignore this action without question to the point that few males have to think to acknowlege its existence.

Phew, there it is. Another definition straight from my noggin. Sounds professional, doesn't it? As usual, I like to test my theories. Ya don't wanna just fire off ideas like a loose cannon these days, ya now? So, I quickly turned to the internet-more specifically Google, the most valid and expedient means of verification of any kind (get the irony?), and before I could say "ChocoLattes" I knew that humingo is more widespread than just my social sphere. Take a look.

At this point, I feel like I need to make a disclaimer

*THESE ARE NOT MY FRIENDS*

As you can see, they're all doing the humingo. The first woman at the beach likely doesn't need to conserve body heat, and the second two couples are both well covered and probably warm. It is interesting to note, that while the third image lacks the heads of the people, it's obvious to see who's doing the humingo here.

Viewers, take a second and think. Ask yourselves. "Have I ever done humingo?" Male viewers, the likely answer for you is a firm and manly, "No.", but if your answer, which is personal, is "Yeah, I actually have done that from time to time." YOU NEED TO STOP ASAP. Females, I'm sure you've done this before, but the question all us guys are wondering is, "Why?" All of the images above convey emotion. The couple at the beach and the couple giving a gift are all happy, but the headless academic couple are engaging in romance. These are emotions nonetheless, but why on earth do females choose to lift one leg to convey such mirth/elation? I've always wondered. Why not vocalize your feelings, or use some other expression like a dance or phrase like, "I am happy" to convey emotion? This is clearly one thing you'll have to try to relate to. Give me a few moments.

Okay. I'm still a man even though I tried this feminine maneauvre. I can't tell you what it means after experiencing it though. I suppose my balance got better, and I believe I just became a public spectacle. Well, I've done my part, but I'm clueless on this one. I'm turning it over to you, viewers.

Have you experienced the humingo? Female viewers, what does this mean? Male viewers, why have we lived in darkness to the meaning of this behavior for so long?

Thanks all, and don't forget to comment!

Patience Is a Virtue, but Surprises are Nice

It's been quite some time since I've managed my iPhone app uploads. I recently checked my account, and due to the fact that they weren't being downloaded, many of them were deleted. 11 of them, however, are still going strong. With that said, it's time to turn a new leaf. I'm talkin' real talk here folks, and what a better way to back it up than with something big. . .as big as the number 3.0. This number may not mean anything to my users who are iPhone-less, but for those of you who own the iPhone 3G, the sound of that number evokes every pleasant emotion possible.

What am I talking about? The new iPhone operating system (OS), of course. Apple is scheduled to release it June 29, if my memory serves me correctly, but why wait? I've snagged a copy of OS 3.0, and I've uploaded it onto my filefront account. Why wait? Download it, and other apps you like, at:

http://hosted.filefront.com/coreendzpiece

Be sure to post comment on your feedback.
What are your thoughts on the new OS?
Will you be buying the new iPhone 3GS? Why? Why not?

*Disclaimer-
While this file has been tested by Gizmodo, by downloading this file, you acknowledge that you do so at your own risk and that you know that if something goes wrong you can simply restore your device- so really, this isn't much of a disclaimer. lol

Opposite of Left and Wrong

It's been nearly a month since I've crafted a new blog, and boy does it feel like it's been too long. I found it difficult to penetrate the wall of finals, moving out of college, removing back home, juggling summer classes, and acquiring a summer job. The result of my inability to manage this AND set out a block of time to blog is the nearly 30day gap in my blogging history. So, instead of studying for my Calculus exam or my Precalculus quiz, I'm blogging first thing this morning. It seems as though that even without school, I still procrastinate, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My procrastination got me into a bit of academic trouble actually; I registered for classes in the fall of my freshman year ON the first day of classes. As you can imagine, there weren't many classes up for grabs, and I, as a Biology major, ended up in a Philosophy class. Despite the consistent, but sometimes increasing, difficulty I had adjusting to this course, I learned to appreciate philosophy- more particularly the writings of Plato. Consequently, I tend to have some philosophical thoughts. I've been mulling a particular thought around in my head for awhile now. I know I've shared it with one person specifically, but I'm still not sure that I've decided on this thought though. Viewers, I'm turning to your feedback on the philosophical discussion I often have in my head before sleep that I call The Ethics of Right and Wrong. Sounds intimidating, doesnt it?

From birth, parents strive to instill in their offspring a sense of right and wrong. This is evident in humans and animals. My dog still tries to instill a sense of right and wrong in me. When I give her a treat after she performs a trick, she wags her tail or something-Evidently I did something right/acceptible, but when I try to touch my mom while Fluffy, my dog, is sitting in her lap, she lunges to bite me- Apparently I did something wrong. Okay, maybe the dog reference isnt't totally applicable, but I'm sure you see my point. Hopefully.

It's easy to identify the physical manifestation of right and wrong. A figure of authority gives a command, and you defy or respond contrary to their order. You're in the wrong- Hands down. This concept goes all the way back to Eden. My query transcends such black and white occurrences of right and wrong and pertains to the more intangible occurrences whereby decisions are not necessarily manifested in a physical sense. Let me paint a scenario:

You're in a well lit white room. Can you see it? Good. You sit accross from an elderly man; you two are separated by a silver table. The old man dozes off, as elderly folksies tend to do, and when his head cocks back against his brown chair, a wad of $100 bills falls from his left nostril. Obviously, if you grabbed the funds and left, you'd be a thief and wrong, and if you gently nestled the funds up his proper nose hole, you'd be right and worthy of praise. But what if you're considering this situation in your mind. You're not sure what to do, and you haven't made a decided mental stand on this situation. After some thought, you decide to steal the cash, but before you can act on it, his wife walks in, wakes him up, he retrieves the cash, and they leave. You had no chance to act on your thoughts due to an intervention in this situation. In this example, were you right or wrong? Or is it impossible to tell?

Viewers, I'm sure you see where I'm coming from. All deranged, unrealistic, and vivid scenarios aside, my question is this: Is the moral state of right and wrong dependent on a physical manifestation of mental thought, or can one be wrong without physically expressing their mental decision?

Help me out on this one.

Post comments below, and thanks for reading!

P.S- A number of people have said to me,

"I'd love to comment on your blog, but I

don't have a blogspot account that'll allow me to comment."

For those of you in this sad lot in life, you can still comment. Just be sure to check the OPENID box on the page where you can post a comment, enter your name, type up that comment, and post it away!

Passing the Pencil Test

The human machine is so complex, intricate, and overall unique that modern science can't even explain some of its processes in our day and age. Modern science/technology is amazing though. It can explain and manufacture devices that can pass Earth's atmosphere with enough tangential velocity to exist in orbit; companies even mass produce dehydrated space ice cream. Truly, our society is reaching new feats every day, but we still can't explain something humans have been doing since the beginning of time- thinking.

The human mind has been sensing, integrating, and processing innumerable audible, sensational, visual, chemical, and olfactory inputs daily. Science explains the way in which these senses are taken in and the consequences of these inputs, but I think it's amazing that we really aren't able to explain how I can inaudibly think, "I like corn". We're getting close though with such innovations like mind controlled computers and devices, but that's besides my point. My point is that one human mind is complex. When you add two or more minds into the equation, things get a little dicey. I'm not talking about scientific research whereby two or more brains are placed on a table close to each other for observation. I'm talking about a conversation. If science can't figure out how one person thinks, how are people supposed to try or even succeed at connecting with another individual and perform in a conversation?

Everyone's different. Some people are naturally gifted at speech, but others are socially inept. Regardless of your conversational prowess, I think all viewers can glean something from reading this blog geared towards propagating successful conversational skills in which I'll provide a few helpful tips. Pay attention, viewers. You might learn something.

If you haven't realized it yet, I'm a guy. Let me tell you a little bit about my kind. Male viewers, I hope you back me up here. For us who proudly wield a penis, few things in life are seriously considered. Life is always changing. It doesn't make sense to follow up/focus on something that won't be the same a few moments from now or is fruitless, does it? It doesn't. As such, we meet life with a general sense of apathy. We aren't observant. We're mentally dull. We're unfazed, and we're unimpressed. Most times, we just don't care, and if it were possible, we could care less than that. Fact. Things get tricky for us when we encounter situations requiring observation and attention usually. Both of those factors, observation and attention, coalesce with one conversational disaster- the female.

Females are different. Female viewers, correct me if I'm wrong. Your kind is emotional, involved, observant, and all that is sugar, spice, and everything nice, or so I've heard. Women like to be noticed, too. I'm sure you get my point here.

When you place these two opposing sexes together in the conversational arena, interesting things happen. Usually, the presence of a female engaging a male in conversation sharpens his dull, uninterested, unimpressed mind. From my experiences, most times, this doesn't occur. Guys bring in their, simple, unobservant, run-of-the-mill ideas and attention spans, and we tend to forget things. This results in repetitive questioning and tautologies of the most annoying and confusing sort culminating in what i call "conversational Armageddon". In this situation, the lady feels unappreciated and sad- for good reason. Guys and girls alike, if you've ever found yourself in this situation before, consider this: Conversational Mirroring.

If the other party in conversation moves their head to the left, move your head to the right. To reassure your conversational partner that you're interested and listening, reiterate important points. Also, use hand gestures to engage the conversation. Heck, if you're talking to someone that you're really comfortable with or that you really fancy, include the occasional touch. Yes-it's one of the five senses that you learned about in kindergarten, but it's crucial.

On the flip side- if you're NOT interested in continuing a conversation, body language is KEY. Fold your arms and rock back and forth thus hinting your inattentiveness and overall dissatisfaction with the way the conversation is going. If the person you're talking to is persistent and self absorbed and you have an iPhone, fear not. If you fall into this category, be sure to install the Fake A Call application. This is the time to use it. Initiate that fake call, and answer it as though God Himself is calling collect from the pay phone outside the pearly gates of Heaven.

But what happens if you're an adept conversationalist? You're so good at engaging that you're maintaining eye contact, you're using your arms to gesture, you're body language is receptive and encouraging communication, but then you slip. You say something that you should NOT have said. Let me paint a situation. F= Female. M= Male

F= Does this dress make me look fat?
M= Not this one, but the one you wore last week gave you thunder thighs.
[insert awkward silence coupled with impending wrath here]
If you ever find yourself in a situation like this, you know what this deafening silence before the storm feels like, but there is one phrase you can utter, without diminishing your pride, that will abate the storm- if said within a proper 5 second window. Ready for this phrase? Watch closely.
Just Saying.

Now watch the difference.
F= Does this dress make me look fat?
M= Not this one, but the one you wore last week gave you thunder thighs. . . .just saying.
F= Honey, you're right.

It's fool proof. Those two words combined produce what I call a conversational neutralizer. Anything you say can and will be neutralized when those two words are added at the end of the phrase in question.

Well, viewers, there you have it.
Go forth and exhume great conversational skills.
Make me proud, and post comments below!

The Slaughter of Calderon Whale in Denmark

Viewer's Discretion is Advised for the Images Below

Viewers, I saw this article and it's alarming, so I have to share it-pictures included. Read below:

"Whales are sensitive, social animals with highly developed nervous systems. They have a profound capacity to suffer distress, terror and pain. Each year, the Faroese kill pilot whales and other small cetaceans.

Islanders in motorboats first drive the whales into a bay. The chase may be lengthy. The exhausted, terrified and confused whales are eventually driven into the shallows. Here the bloodbath begins. The islanders repeatedly hammer 2.2 kg metal gaffs into the living flesh of each whale until the hooks hold. A 15 cm knife is then used to slash through the blubber and flesh to the spinal column. Next the main blood vessels are severed. The blood-stained bay is soon filled with horribly mutilated and dying whales.

The Faroese celebrate the butchery of their victims in an carnival atmosphere of entertainment. Indoctrinated from an early age, children are often given a day off school to watch the fun. They run down to the bay and clamber over the carcasses of slaughtered whales.

Every year around 2,000 whales are driven ashore and cruelly slaughtered in the Faroe Islands, mid-way between the Shetland Islands and Iceland. For centuries the Faroe Islanders have hunted pilot whales, driving entire schools into killing bays, where they are speared or gaffed from boats, dragged ashore and butchered with knives. Although the Islands are a protectorate of Denmark, they have their own Government and regulations governing the pilot whale hunt or “grind” as it is known.

Aside from the fact that the number of North Atlantic long-finned pilot whales is unknown and they are listed as 'strictly protected’ by the Convention on the Conservation of European Wildlife and Natural Habitats, this is an act of barbarism and pointlessness. By slaughtering 100 whales at a time, the Faroese are wiping out entire pods and family groups. They are removing building blocks from the gene pool of the species and damaging the web of life in the North Atlantic and the North Sea.

The drive hunt is a practice abandoned elsewhere many decades ago, and now outlawed by other European states. The inhabitants of the Faroe Islands have no subsistence need for whale meat, and much of the flesh is left to rot and be dumped; it cannot be exported, as it is polluted with heavy metals and other toxins and therefore cannot meet EU heath standards for human food.

According to Faroese legislation it is also permitted to hunt certain species of small cetaceans other than pilot whales. These include: Bottlenose dolphin; Atlantic white-beaked dolphin; Atlantic white-sided dolphin; and Harbour porpoise (There are also specific regulations for the hunting of harbour porpoise. Harbour porpoises are killed with shotguns).

I really don’t know how we can stop this act.I searched and I have found their prime minister’s website that has an email.

Probably we can send all together to his info@tinganes.fo e-mail to stop this slaughter.
I have no more words for this mates. I hope to give an end to this slaughter as fast as possible.

His email address is info@tinganes.fo
The Prime Minister’s website is http://www.tinganes.fo/Default.aspx?AreaID=11"

Downes, You Goofed Up.

Yesterday, I spent my Thursday nights as I usually do- at church with my friend Annie and whichever OgleFriends come along. As you may see from the picture, I attended 12 Stone Church. As you may also see, it is quite large- inside and out. Thursday nights are geared towards college students in a program called Water's Edge. Contrary to the picture above, it's not a private lake community (that picture is in no way affiliated with Water's Edge- I snagged it from cyberspace). See how big it is? See how many people are there? Okay. Good. Keep that in mind, viewers. Here we go!

It's 1:16AM, and It's Good Friday. Accordingly, last night's program at church was centered on Christ's crucifixion. Right now we're focussing on Paul's interaction with the Greeks in Acts 17:24-31 where he encounters their altar dedicated "to an unknown God". If you're interested in the meaning behind that altar's name- post a comment of inquiry, and I'll let you know. In a nutshell, we discussed soteriology, the origin and design of salvation, and we concluded that Jesus is our Substitute, Redeemer, Justification, Righteousness, Propitiation, and Expiation. Phew, that was a mouthful. Onto the crux of the evening. . .

If you scroll up to the image spear heading this blog, you'll notice a small head sandwiched between large images. That's Kevin Queen, and he was the guest speaker for the evening. Contrary to his last name, he spoke with manly precision and power in expounding on the Scripture. When he concluded, he asked the audience to sit down and pray. Everyone sat, and I, too, followed suit. As I prayed, I pondered what I could do to aid the Christian cause. "What could I do to tell more people about Jesus?", I wondered. Soon after this thought bounced around in a most active convolution of my mind, another thought bounced back, "You should edit that book you're reading and post it as an E-book online." Talk about an instantly answered prayer! I'll give you more information on this endeavour later, viewers. After I finished praying, I purposed in my heart that, for once, after everyone finishes praying, I would be the first person to stand up as the speaker asks everyone to.

Soon after I had that newfound purpose, the time came. I heard a monoculture of "amen" among the vast sea of believers, and soon after heads were rising, I was on my feet- bright eyed and bushy taled with purpose and pride reigning strong in my heart. I looked around, and one other person stood. Seconds later, another person stood. I looked around, and I realized that something went fearfully awry.
NO ONE ELSE WAS STANDING!
I quickly looked around in fear, and I began clenching my fists in nervousness. Before I knew it I saw the speaker rising on stage, and the lights were on. All of the seated saints had their eyes fixed on the few standing souls. There was no way to get out of this one. I held my head high, and listened to Pastor Queen say with a smile on his face, "Great. Isn't this beautiful! You've all come through the nervousness, and you're standing. Embrace it." Next, the audience was clapping, and it seemed like all 3-400 eyes in the audience were fixed on me. It turns out that I stood up to signify that I just came to Christ and accepted his sacrifice. I TOTALLY missed this point when I was focussed in prayer. I thought to myself, "Downes, you goofed up."

Now, I've been a Christian all of my life. I felt the heat from being nervous rise to my head, and I could swear I was as red as a beet. I looked to the left, and Annie gave me a smile mixed with satisfaction and wonder. I knew there was no escaping this one. After the program concluded and people exited, two people gave me a hug accompanied by words of assurance which articulated how happy they felt that I just experienced Christ's salvation. I accepted them warmly. After all, who would, after receiving applause from 400 people and praise from the speaker, seek to correct such a mess? I wouldn't. I did however tell Annie and Clair, the other OgleFriend who came to the event, and they laughed so hard that they cried. Annie asked me to tell Kevin, and he, too, laughed at my blunder.

HOW EMBARRASSING! I'm usually a confident guy, but I was so nervous in those few moments. What a Thursday night! It was quite the experience, and I hope you enjoyed reading, viewers. As always, I'm interested in your thoughts. You know what to do!

April Fools From Above, and Life Is Very Long.

You're persistent. No. That's an understatement. Viewers, some of you are nice, but others are quite relentless! These adamant, heartless, and somewhat loving souls nag, e-mail, text, and even facebook me requesting blogs! Where do such people get off? The nerve of them!
JUST KIDDING!
The fact is: I've been really meaning to blog for awhile now, but I've been just too darn busy as you'll see in this blog. My mental "blogging sense" has been tingling for awhile. Nevertheless, life has been unusually interesting, so this blog might be worth reading. . . .hopefully.

The photo for this blog is quite different than most. For one, if you notice, it has nothing to do with me, and for me, it evokes a lot of emotion and hesitance. It does, however, have EVERYTHING to do with what I call my "April Fools From Above". I've only told 6 people about this occurrence in person; I didn't plan on telling anyone else really. But my viewers are special, so today if you're reading my blog, you'll get the full dream as I recall it best. I promise.

On March 31st of last week, I had quite the unusual dream. I was on my way to go to church with my mom, and as usual, she rushed into my room and chastised me because I always wait for the last minute to get ready. (Funny thing about guys- we get ready in <10minutes, style="font-style: italic;">stopped doing certain things, I would one day return. I was not pleased that I had to leave, and my body language suggested that I protested having to leave (the dream was in third person by the way). The scene changed and I was on a straight dirt road surrounded by a forest on the left and right sides of me. I walked straight along the road, and a song from a popular metal band that I listened to came into my head, and I remember thinking, "No. I can't think about this if I want to go to heaven." I dismissed the thought from my head and walked along the straight road, and a group of my friends from high school surrounded me eventually all asking me to hang out and go to the movies all at once. I stepped out of their circle and said with my hands raised as though I was overwhelmed and flustered and said, "Whoa. I can't do that. Jesus said that I can't do that if I want to go to heaven." And I woke up.

I was very hesitant about sharing this dream at first. I'm still a little unnerved as I write even now because it is quite an outlandish dream. I won't go into the interpretation of it at all. I'll let my viewers take a stab at it. If you care to, comment on what you think it means or if you think it means something at all. I will tell you that since then, I ceased listening to music of that ilk, and whenever a thought comes to my head of that genre of music, I try to shrug it off, although it's becoming increasingly more difficult- especially as of late.

Okay. All supernatural occurrences aside, life in the academic world has been increasingly busy as of late! I formulated my 4 year plan for my double major in Biology and Spanish with a minor in Psychology, and I'm slowly, but surely, working away at it now. I've come to accept the fact that I'll be taking summer courses for the next 3 summers of my life, and that every semester from here onwards will be increasingly difficult. For example, next fall I'll tentatively be taking 19 credit hours in the following courses: Biology: Human Sexuality, Biology Oral Presentations, English: Human Nature of the Social Order, Teacher's Assistance in a Spanish Learning Community Class, Historical Spanish Literature and Chemistry I and Lab. I've also mentally committed to joining the Navy after undergrad. to offset most of the costs of Medical School thus ensuring me a constant, though likely non stationary job, as Naval Heart Surgeon 8 years down the line of time.Things will be tough, but I will not say the dreaded 3 letter acronym that I blogged about earlier, although its index is quite high on facebook and throughout campuses throughout the nation during this time, I'm sure.

In Biology Lab. right now, I'm a part of the Macro-Invertebrates group, and I had the pleasure of going with my group to the Blue Heron Nature Preserve to collect macro invertebrates, invertebrates which function as indicators of water quality. All and all, we spent three hours sifting, looking, and catching in boots with water up to your kneed, and if you were lucky like me, you got water in your boots. Check out the pictures below.

If my memory serves me correctly, above is a Crane Fly Maggot



As of Monday of this week at around 4am, I began campaigning to be Sophomore class President. My team and I stayed up until 5am working out the kinks and editing my campaign commercial which was posted on facebook. Consequently, for staying up so late, I failed a Biology quiz. At least I'll be class President, and that totally makes up for the 50% I got on that quiz. . . .right? lol. While taking the quiz, I observed an interesting social phenomenon that, I believe, occurs mostly during quizzes, tests, or any situation where individuals are focused in a quiet and populated area. I think I'll call it The Law of Sniffs. The LoS states that: Every individual in this situation has an innate desire to sniff in a most annoying presence, but everyone is so self conscious that no one wants to be the first sniffer, BUT when that first sniff happens, 3-7 sniffs happen in a domino effect that would make the observer wonder if someone is passing the cold/flu around the room. This law might be a stretch, folks, but it's true! Take a moment to listen to the sequence of sniffs during your next examination. I think this works for coughs too. Anyway, despite not knowing 50% of the other information on the quiz, I did learn some new information yesterday. Oglethorpe University had a health fair, and I attended. Below you'll see all of the items I snagged for free. Ah the joys of being a poor and miserly college student.

As you can see, I stocked up on multicolored condoms, odorless female deodorant, fruit snacks that tasted like Vaseline, toothpaste, "Goody's", and female shaving cream- the bare essentials.
As I perused the layout of free items, I tried to get in and grab whatever I could without soliciting conversation from the person standing at the opposite end of their table. Usually avoiding eye contact works, but this one guy had a table equipped with carbonated beverages aligned in a triangular shape of trippy colors promising a sure caffeinated delight with a curious sign which challenged my intellectual capabilities. I was drawn in like a fly into a bug zapper. I'm sure you will be too after you see the image below:
Compare. Such a simple command juxtaposed with varying amounts of sugar and cans which offer consumers an energy orgasm. I was shocked to notice how much sugar is loaded in many of the popular energy drinks though. I'm not sure if you can make out the images in this mini-picture, but if you click it, I'm sure it enlarges in a new window. If not, let me run by the sugar counts in a couple of the popular ones: Full Throttle: 37g, Red Bull: 27g, and Rockstar 31g.
Those of you who will be driven to consume such beverages during finals week- beware! Each can almost entirely guarantees you diabetes when you're older. Looking for that caffeinated kick without the sugar? Well just focus at the top of the pyramid and you'll find XS Energy Drink which supposedly offers the same energy boost without any sugar. It even has herbs, a stellar blend of B-vitamins, and comes without caffeine upon request. Give it a whirl, and save your brain and body from a sugar crash for once. It's supposed to work, or at least that's what Ralph, the representative told me. :)

After I left Ralph's booth, I turned around and saw a pretty bowl full of Twix bars. I was sold. I dove in for the kill, and I realized that the candy was situated on the female gynecologist table. In this moment, I faced a similar mental conflict to the one every guy faces when their significant other asks them to go into a female store. I was hesitant, but in an effort to please my lover whom I call Duodenum, I did eat. (Did you catch the Bio joke there?) I was kind of glad I did actually because the ladies behind the desk assured me that they had nothing at the table that could POSSIBLY interest me. They encouraged me to take their chocolate and go on about my business. Well their reverse psychology wouldn't work on me! After they said this, I looked around that table like I looked at no other. Wait until you see what they wanted me to miss.
ARTIFICIAL BOOBS

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. They almost duped me into believing that I was not interested in breasts. After all, which guy is- they probably reasoned. Viewers, I was born at night, but not LAST night! I inquired about these two varying skin toned mock mammary gland pouches and inquired of their importance. The told me they were for breast examinations. AHA!
At this rate- I was utterly disgusted and turned away screaming for dear life.

AS IF!

I made them teach me how to give a proper breast examination! Viewers, I'll share this information with you for free. Here's how you do it. First, you place your hands in a cup shape. . .almost like the shape your hand would have when turning a door knob, and you lightly and gently circumnavigate the breast. I think this part is for both the patient and doctor's pleasure, although the ladies who taught me this never endorsed this idea. Next, using your pointer and middle fingers, you press down semi-firmly around the breast, and you feel for lumpy stuff in there. You'll be pleased to know that I found them all no my first try :) Needless to say- I'm a pro. So uh, *cough* *cough* for the sake of proper health and medical science, female viewers in need of a proper breast examination who would rather not pay the $50 copay fee to the doctors, just consider Erik Downes ;)

Well viewers, I've got to go eat dinner.
Thanks for reading, and as always, you're comments are appreciated.
Adios!

P.S.

My last night was quite the amazing evening. My friend Balbir is the only Sikh currently attending Oglthorpe University, and he invited me to his friend's home for an evening of fine Indian cuisine. That's what I was expecting, but I received so much more. Not only was the food premium and tenfold more flavorful and diverse than anything Bon Appetit, OU's cafateria service, has to offer, I learned so much more culturally. While the meal was being prepared, I was fortunate enough to see the Guru Granth Sahib if I remember correctly. This phrase connotes the closing of the sacred book while saying a series of prayers. This process begins usually 2 hours before sunrise when the book is opened and unwrapped and ends at night at sunset when it is wrapped again for the night. Whomever unwraps it before daybreak turns to a random page and reads a passage. This passage is to be meditated or thought about throughout the day. During this process, I covered my head, as all Sikhs do, and tried to keep up as everything was in a different language. After it was complete, he explained everything to me, and now I'm relaying it to you, viewers. This was so awesome for me because I am amazed at the religious devotion that they have in this ceremony. It was really sobering and caused me to wonder how much higher my quality of life would be if I woke up and incorporated some degree of God-time into my morning and daily musings. Ponder that about your respective faith, folksies.

Unfortunately, I was unable to get a photo of the Guru Granth Sahib process, but I ran a Google search, and this is what the sacred book set up resembles in a less ornate manner.
As I conclude this P.S, I just wanted to share 2 random things:

1) A link to a pick up line generator. Some people may find this helpful. My favorite line so far is, "If I told you your body was attractive, would you hold it against me?" I don't think I quoted it correctly, but it's amazing nonetheless.

2) I decided to post two pictures of two of my OgleFriends enjoying their meals at our cafeteria. Just because.

Philosophy of Monotony and Social Terrorism

I haven't blogged in what seems like a long time; today, my first day back on campus, I received inspiration. To my muses, thank you. Today, I will write!

I spent my Spring Break in Florida, and I'm glad I was able to be with friends and family. It was so good to go back home and appreciate experiences and personalities that I once took for granted. That whole epiphany caused me to think about monotony.

Humans tend to become idle/bored/dissatisfied with the commonalities of life, and this phenomenon is called monotony. During my 4 year stay in Florida, I seldom visited the beach, and I dreaded going because of the tourists and immense traffic. During Spring Break, however, I forewent the traffic and enjoyed the different people, their differing attires and accents. I actually missed the beach. I guess you really don't know what you have until it's gone.

I think there are different variations of monotony though. My dissatisfaction with the beach would be due to experience and therefore is more susceptible to be taken for granted as the experience promises to be there always. The other form of monotony is quite the paradox, and it is the focus of my blog today. This variation includes functions which are done repeatedly (hence monotony) without choice due to their necessity ie breathing, smelling, beating of the heart, sleeping, excreting waste, or farting. I think this type is most interesting and deserves a special term. I'll call it FNmonotony.

FNmonotony ought to be boring. It involves processes and actions which are done for an innumerable amount of times. Let me deviate for a moment. Viewers, I'm sure you all have a favorite restaurant/food/activity. When I was younger, I loved eggs. However, after eating them too much, their taste, texture, and even the sight of them became monotonous; I lost interest. I'm sure I ate eggs less than 50 times in my life, yet I lost interest. My point? The human heart beats between 2.5-3million times in a lifetime. The average human breathes 700,000 cubic inches of air daily. Therein lies my point! Ever get tired of breathing? Ever get tired of that beating in your chest every day? FNmonotony is a phenomenon. These things happen, yet few individuals become dissatisfied with them.

With that in mind, viewers, I submit to you that the process of monotony/dissatisfaction lies solely upon choice. We, humans, become dissatisfies with what we can choose, alter, manipulate, and ultimately control.

That's a heavy philosophical argument right there, if I do say so myself. Viewers, think about it, challenge it, and comment about it. I'm going to leave it as it is, since I think it's so powerful. By that I mean, I won't defend it as much, but I will go a little deeper into FNmonotony. This will involve a little intimacy. Viewers, I'm trusting you. We're going to get closer in this blog than we've ever been. We'll laugh, cry, and hopefully think-together. Here we go.

FNmonotony, unlike regular monotony, is even more perplexing because it becomes more interesting/desirable with time! I've been sleeping since birth, and with every passing day, I find that I can't wait to sleep MORE AND MORE. Okay. I'm going to attempt to narrow my thoughts down here and talk about my favorite FNmonotony which may seem a tad crude. Did I mention that we'd get intimate, viewers?

Farting-(n) To expel intestinal gas through the anus; break wind.
My favorite FNmonotony is farting. It's not my favorite in the sense that it's more important than the others in this category. It's my favorite because it's very versatile. Farts are like snowflakes- every one is unique. Some are big. Some are small. Some are smelly. Some are not. Some sound normal, and some are just plain strange. But the whole dynamic of farting changes upon your environment, I've discovered.

Farting is necessary. I don't know what happens if you just refuse to fart, and I don't want to find out. Nevertheless, it's socially unacceptible. Seriously, it's society frowns upon this bodily function. While breathing, eating, digestion, and heart beating are accepted, fart audibly during a meeting and see what kinds of looks you receive. This social displeasure is likely because humans are self interested. The often unpleasant olfactory sensation that hits the nose with this intestinal air often ruins people's moods. Anyway, it's unaccepted. The fact that it is rejected makes it so interesting though. Watch.

We've already established that farting audibly is unacceptible, but if a tree falls in the middle of a forest when no one is around, does it make a sound? Ladies and gentlemen who find worth in reading my blog, I will now give you the key that will unlock the door to infinite farting pleasure. I call it: T.A.F- Terrorist Anonymous Farting. Just bear with me.

These days, terrorists are pretty plentiful. They're everywhere. They're always on T.V., and they're notorious for taking lives. They seek densely populated areas to wreak havoc on humanity. "How does this relate to your FNmonotony and T.A.F" you ask? T.A.F involves densely populated areas whose functions are imposed on its inhabitants- ideally museums, airplanes, and art galleries. In these locations, people are usually focussed, serious, diligent, and in close quarters. To engage in T.A.F., once you've found such a situation, fit right in. Observe that piece of art, or flip open the Flight Satey Manual. Now, we all know that audible farts are frowned upon, so implement the anonomous fart- the expulsion of intestinal gas that is subtle and infrasonic yet accompanied by a wonderball like olfactory sensation. This "wonderball like olfactory sensation" means that, like a wonderball, you have NO CLUE what's in side. It may be smelly, tolerable, or silent but deadly. The silent but deadly ones are the best for T.A.F.s.

Make sure this desired densely populated area is filled with people you'll likely never see again. This removes any form of guilt. It's fool proof, and the reactions are PRICELESS. When I was at an art show, I mingled with the local art show. I slipped right in with the crowd, successfully completing the T.A.F. Before I knew it, I heard overt sniffing noises. Heads turned. Eyes widened. I, too, began to mimic these motions, and even made the *wide eyed, shoulder shrugged "I have no clue who could have done this" face*. Did I mention how priceless this FNmonotony was?

Well, there it is. That's my favorite FNmonotony- terrorist anonomyous farting. Vain? Yes. Immature? Likely. Necessary? Definitely. It's better to burp and bear the shamethan to hold it in and bear the pain. I'm just going to say that farting is the same as burping, just from the human basement, if you catch my drift.

Thanks for reading!

Do you agree on my concept of monotony and FNmonotony?
What's your favorite FNmonotony? Why?
Post the comments below!

My Date With Mei Lan

Last Monday (03/09/09), I was one of three individuals fortunate enough to win a raffle to attend Zoo Atlanta with the seniors in the Conservation Biology class. Below are the images from the trip. I added captions on some of them. Enjoy!